I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
