My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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