just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
