good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
