If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
