So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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