i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
