Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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