If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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