this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
me + whiskey = a bad person
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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