Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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