you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
