Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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