so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
