A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
this boner is exhausting
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
