the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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