I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
