i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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