i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just had sex on a roof
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
