mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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