No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
