I am in a vortex of obligation.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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