I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I checked into jail on foursquare
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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