So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
