just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
