Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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