I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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