He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
