Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
