I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
