Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
