You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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