just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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