i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
