did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
