we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
