I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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