wanna go halves on a baby?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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