Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
