I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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