I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
