Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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