We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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