you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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