I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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