Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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