It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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