Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
