I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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