watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize