i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
