You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he shaved USA in his pubs
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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