Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
