The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
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no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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