I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
