just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
