my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
