wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
