He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
