Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
