Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
